when i’m at 150
standstill
yesterday i ran for the first time since before i started that three weeks of hell training. and well it was more like a run with a lot of walking in between. but still it was 2.21 miles this morning. baby steps.
my sister left for new york for a month this week and in lieu of sitting around moping i’ve decided to be down 5 lbs before she gets back. i’m kind of off to a slow start but i’ve been eating fairly healthy.
today it is raining and that is cutting into my running ability. i know there are crazy people that run in the rain (actually you guys are awesome) but i’m just not there yet.
ALSO i want to buy a bathroom scale, if any one knows of a good, reliable one please message me. i am tired of buying ones that give a different read every time you step on it. that’s the only reason i miss my gym.
AGGGH
i am so, so, so, so so soooo frustrated with my current progress at the moment.
my days for the past three weeks have looked like this:
wake up. drive. eat. sit. eat. sit. drive. sleep. repeat.
and the food has not been anything good for me. super carb heavy. bowls of candy sitting in front of us at any given moment. at least one coke every day (seriously mostly for the caffeine). it’s gotten to a point where i am SO TIRED OF EATING. and all that food has been fucking up my tummy like erry day. (yeah then i had a huge ice cream sundae today)
the good news is that as of today it’s done. i get to go back to a semi-reasonable life schedule. i am no longer going to be just sitting and eating. and it should be a lot of physical work (setting up a store) which is fantastic because at least it will maybe translate to a little bit of exercise.
i don’t know how i could ever work an office job where i have to sit for 8 hours. i think i would be super homicidal. i have found it more exhausting to be sitting around eating than it was to be walking around and on my feet all day.
on monday at least i went to disneyland (my sister and i were gonna go, and then my sweetie surprised me by joining us in the morning for our 2yr anniversary<3) so i walked a bit then, but for dinner we shared a plate of fried chicken on top of the roast beef sandwiches (boo + sis) and quiche (me) we got. WHOA THERE FATTIES
it’s all good though because i am getting back on the wagon TOMORROW. NO MORE FUCKING AROUND. i seriously have been all self-hatey because of all this and i’m over that, too. things are good and it’s time for positivity and HEALTH!
and you guys i bought a bike with a christmas giftcard from the moms and i haven’t even been able to ride it yet!! :(
YESSSSSS
I’ve been really sick for 10 days and I’ve been eating a ton because of work and I thought for sure I must have gained at least 3 pounds or something but I’m at urgent care and they weighed me and i’m at 162 which is AMAZING!!!!!! I’M ALMOST IN THE 50s!!!!!!!!!
true life: i can’t stop eating
i had a beignet for breakfast this morning and yesterday my sister and i consumed an outrageous amount of food in disneyland. yeah we walked like 3 miles but still.
i see skinny girls all over the place and i think yeah i’m gonna get there! but then it feels like it’s never ever going to happen. especially not with the way i pack it in!! today i feel flabby and worthless. the ugly side of me.
i did some ab and arm exercises today and then i took the dog for a pull/walk/jog to try to relieve some of her and my anxiety. it helped a little, for me at least, but now i’m right back at it. and i have no interest in getting in the shower and gettin gussied up to go to work.
everything is so stagnant yet unstable. i need a little push in the right direction. i don’t know where that could possibly come from.
cool it, fatty.
i have totally fallen off the wagon!! okay not totally really but it’s been a struggle.
life events have happened and during those i was very stressed and stress, for me, leads to not eating, which in terms of weight loss is both good and bad, because i was down to 162!! at some point, but i believe i’ve put back on at least a couple of pounds because i’m, well, eating again.
boy am i eating.
ok, that’s kind of a joke. but i’ve definitely been a little more loose with my eating standards.
and, as i always do, i’m reaching the “enough is enough” point where i need to tell myself COOL IT, FATTY and put down the cake. (i had a big ole slice of cake for breakfast the other day. my coworker brought it in and i hadn’t eaten anything!! oh jeez)
today, though! i went on a real run almost in my neighborhood. for almost an entire hour. i did end up walking a large portion of the way but i pushed myself to run when i felt like i could and it was good. notes for next time: sunscreen, smaller water bottle, go earlier. i started around 9:40 and about 10~something it just got too hot. oh by the way it’s january. stupid.
i never updated about this but for christmas my mama got me a gift card to target for a BIKE! wheeee! i’m getting a bicycle soon and then i will really be scootin around. i have been considering quitting the gym because i like it less and less. i want to be outside. but i know it’s good for the weights (when i actually DO them..)
it’ll be summer before i know it and i really really want to wear a bikini. this will happen. damnit.
i’ve been a steady 165 now for a little while. and that’s great because i haven’t gained. but i haven’t lost anything either..
i think it would be easier if i didn’t feel so fucking sad all the time.
hyperbole and a half has a pretty great post that sums up pretty much what my experience with depression has been minus the losing all feelings part.
it’s a for-no-good-reason deep sadness and it sometimes manifests itself through anger. i lash out a lot and i don’t like it. then sometimes is sinks back down and i feel happy, thankful, good about myself. it doesn’t last and the sadness comes without warning or provocation. i’m tired so often. i am not motivated to do things like clean or go on walks or go to the gym. i’ve sat in the parking lot of the gym crying before or after workouts, or cut them short, feeling dejected.
it’s been going on for a while and it’s unrelenting.
if i try to think of a reason why, there’s a lot of stuff i can come up with, but i don’t know if any of them are worth the way i feel, and i’m too scared to face the rest. the worst thing people do is tell me to get over it. to pull myself out of it, that i’m in control. i’m not. i try to build myself up all the time and force myself into things. it’s still constantly there. i don’t know what to do about it anymore.
when i was fifteen i went to a therapist. i was stupid and young. i was obsessed with death but never would express that out of fear. she sent me to a psychiatrist and it was shortly after my first boyfriend broke up with me. all i told the psychiatrist, effectively, was that i was sad about my boyfriend. he “diagnosed” me with a “chemical imbalance” and prescribed me lexapro. i never took it and i never went back. so i’m wary of reaching out for professional help, not that i feel like i have the time or the money to get it, either.
i guess i should put a disclaimer here and explain i’m not suicidal. i never have been and never will be because i’m too afraid of dying. i love life. i just wish i weren’t so sad.
i feel stuck.
